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The Big Lebowski
(Special Edition) Spielfilm - Komödie
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Donny: Phone's ringing, Dude.
The Dude: Thank you, Donny.
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The Dude: That's a great plan, Walter. That's fuckin' ingenious, if I understand
it correctly. It's a Swiss fuckin' watch.
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[Maude shows the porn video starring Bunny to the Dude]
Sherry in 'Logjammin': [on video] You must be here to fix the cable.
Maude Lebowski: Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.
The Dude: He fixes the cable?
Maude Lebowski: Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey.
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The Dude: Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fuckin' sympathy, man, I need my
fucking johnson!
Donny: What do you need that for, Dude?
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The Dude: God damn you Walter! You fuckin' asshole! Everything's a fuckin'
travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about Vietnam? What the FUCK,
has anything got to do with Vietnam? What the fuck are you talking about?
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Walter Sobchak: You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways,
Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.
The Dude: Yeah, but Walter...
Walter Sobchak: Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon... with
nail polish.
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Walter Sobchak: I told those fucks down at the league office a thousand times
that I don't roll on Shabbos!
Donny: What's Shabbos?
Walter Sobchak: Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means
that I don't work, I don't get in a car, I don't ride in a car, I don't pick up
the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit
[shouts]
Walter Sobchak: don't fucking roll! Shomer shabbos!
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Walter Sobchak: I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the
money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to
break only if it's a matter of life or death...
The Dude: Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man.
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talkin' about?
The Dude: Man, you're fucking Polish Catholic...
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married
Cynthia! Come on, Dude!
The Dude: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Walter Sobchak: And you know this!
The Dude: Yeah, and five fucking years ago you were divorced.
Walter Sobchak: So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your
library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?
The Dude: It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her
fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You're living in the fucking past.
Walter Sobchak: Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy
Koufax...
[shouting]
Walter Sobchak: You're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past!
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Walter Sobchak: [shouted repeatedly while smashing a car with a tire iron]
[shouts]
Walter Sobchak: This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!
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The Dude: Also, my rug was stolen.
Younger Cop: The rug was in the car?
The Dude: No. It was here.
Younger Cop: [eager] Oh, separate incidents.
Maude Lebowski: [on answering machine] Jeffrey, this is Maude Lebowski. I need
to see you. I'm the one who took your rug.
Younger Cop: Well. I guess we can close the books on that one.
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Nihilist #3: I fucks you in the ass, I fucks you in the ass, I fucks you, I
fucks you, I fucks you, I fucks...
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The Dude: These are, uh...
Brandt: Oh, those are Mr Lebowski's children, so to speak.
The Dude: Different mothers, huh?
Brandt: No.
The Dude: Racially he's pretty cool?
Brandt: [laughs] They're not literally his children. They're the Little Lebowski
Urban Achievers - inner city children of promise but without the necessary means
for a higher education. So Mr Lebowski is committed to sending all of them to
college.
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Blond Treehorn Thug: [holding up a bowling ball] What the fuck is this?
The Dude: Obviously you're not a golfer.
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Walter Sobchak: Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets
of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.
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[the Dude, Walter, and Donny walk out of the bowling alley, to find the three
Nihilists waiting in front of the Dude's car, which has been torched]
The Dude: Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car.
Nihilist: Ve vant ze money, Lebowski.
Nihilist #2: Ja, uzzervize ve kill ze girl.
Nihilist #3: Ja, it seems you have forgotten our little deal, Lebowski.
The Dude: You don't HAVE the fucking girl, dipshits! We know you never did!
[the Nihilists, stunned, confer amongst themselves in German]
Donny: Are these the Nazis, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid
of.
Nihilist: Ve don't care. Ve still vant ze money, Lebowski, or ve fuck you up.
Walter Sobchak: Fuck you. Fuck the three of you.
The Dude: Hey, cool it Walter.
Walter Sobchak: No, without a hostage, there is no ransom. That's what ransom
is. Those are the fucking rules.
Nihilist #2: His girlfriend gave up her toe!
Nihilist #3: She though we'd be getting million dollars!
Nihilist #2: Iss not fair!
Walter Sobchak: Fair! WHO'S THE FUCKING NIHILIST HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF
FUCKING CRYBABIES?
The Dude: Hey, cool it Walter. Look, pal, there never was any money. The big
Lebowski gave me an empty briefcase, so take it up with him, man.
Walter Sobchak: And, I would like my undies back.
[Stunned, the Germans confer amongst themselves again]
Donny: Are they gonna hurt us, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: No, Donny. These men are cowards.
Nihilist: Okay. So we take ze money you haf on you, und ve calls it eefen.
Walter Sobchak: Fuck you.
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The Dude: [repeated line by The Dude and others] That rug really tied the room
together.
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The Dude: Walter, what is the point? Look, we all know who is at fault here,
what the fuck are you talking about?
Walter Sobchak: Huh? No, what the fuck are you... I'm not... We're talking about
unchecked aggression here, dude.
Donny: What the fuck is he talking about?
The Dude: My rug.
Walter Sobchak: Forget it, Donny, you're out of your element!
The Dude: Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill,
so what the fuck are you talking about?
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? The chinaman is not the
issue here, dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, dude. Across
this line, you DO NOT... Also, dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.
Asian-American, please.
The Dude: Jeez, Walter, I'm not talking about the guys who built the fucking
railroad here.
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The Dude: Who the fuck are the Knutsens?
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The Dude: Walter, ya know, it's Smokey, so his toe slipped over the line a
little, big deal. It's just a game, man.
Walter Sobchak: Dude, this is a league game, this determines who enters the next
round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong?
Smokey: Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker Dude, I'm marking it 8.
Walter Sobchak: [pulls out a gun] Smokey, my friend, you are entering a world of
pain.
The Dude: Walter...
Walter Sobchak: You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain.
Smokey: I'm not...
Walter Sobchak: A world of pain.
Smokey: Dude, he's your partner...
Walter Sobchak: [shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one
around here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero!
The Dude: They're calling the cops, put the piece away.
Walter Sobchak: Mark it zero!
[points gun in Smokey's face]
The Dude: Walter...
Walter Sobchak: [shouting] You think I'm fucking around here? Mark it zero!
Smokey: All right, it's fucking zero. Are you happy, you crazy fuck?
Walter Sobchak: ...It's a league game, Smokey.
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[when making the payoff]
The Dude: Dude.
Nihilist: [on the phone] Who is this?
The Dude: Dude. The bag man, man. Where do you want us to go?
Nihilist: Us?
The Dude: [to Walter] Shit!
[to Nihilist]
The Dude: Uh. Yeah, uh. Me and, uh, the driver. I'm not handling the money,
driving the car and talking on the phone all at the same time.
Nihilist: Shut the fuck up.
Walter Sobchak: Dude, are you fucking this up?
Nihilist: Who the fuck is that?
The Dude: That is the driver.
[Nihilist hangs up]
The Dude: Shit! Walter, you fuck... you fucked it up! You fucked it up! Her life
was in our hands, man!
Walter Sobchak: Nothing is fucked here, Dude. Come on, you're being very un-Dude.
They'll call back.
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[repeated line]
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.
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The Dude: It's like what Lenin said... you look for the person who will benefit,
and, uh, uh...
Donny: I am the walrus.
The Dude: You know what I'm trying to say...
Walter Sobchak: That fucking bitch...
Donny: I am the walrus.
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!
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[being forced into a limousine]
The Dude: Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!
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The Dude: And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man.
Walter Sobchak: You mean... beyond pacifism?
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Donny: Are these the Nazis, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid
of.
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Jesus Quintana: What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't
fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You
might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush
league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have fucked you in the
ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date
Wednesday, baby!
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The Dude: Fuckin' Quintana... that creep can roll, man.
Walter Sobchak: Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude.
The Dude: Yeah.
Walter Sobchak: No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in
Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.
The Dude: Oh!
Walter Sobchak: When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell
everyone he was a pederast.
Donny: What's a... pederast, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.
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Jesus Quintana: You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the
semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up.
The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.
Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy
shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you,
stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click."
The Dude: Jesus.
Jesus Quintana: You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
Walter Sobchak: Eight-year-olds, Dude.
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The Dude: What's in the fuckin' carrier?
Walter Sobchak: Huh? Oh, that's Cynthia's dog. I think it's a Pomeranian. I
can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. I'm watching him while
Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii.
The Dude: You brought the fuckin' Pomeranian bowling?
Walter Sobchak: What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it
shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude.
The Dude: Man, if my fuckin' ex-wife asked me to take care of her fuckin' dog
while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu I'd tell her to go fuck herself.
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Walter Sobchak: Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling.
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[destroying a Corvette]
Walter Sobchak: Do you see what happens, Larry? Do you see what happens when you
fuck a stranger in the ass!
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Walter Sobchak: You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative
energy in to the tournament!
The Dude: Fuck the tournament... Fuck YOU, Walter!
[pause]
Walter Sobchak: Fuck the tournament? All right, I can see you don't want to be
consoled here, Dude. Come on Donny, let's go get us a lane.
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The Dude: Jesus, man, could you change the channel?
Cab Driver: Fuck you man. If you don't like my fuckin' music get your own fuckin'
cab!
The Dude: I had a rough...
Cab Driver: I pull over and kick your ass out!
The Dude: Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!
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The Dude: Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man.
Blond Treehorn Thug: Your name's Lebowski, Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny.
The Dude: My... my wi-, my wife, Bunny? Do you see a wedding ring on my finger?
Does this place look like I'm fucking married? The toilet seat's up, man!
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Walter Sobchak: Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.
Donny: They were Nazis, Dude?
Walter Sobchak: Oh, come on Donny, they were threatening castration!
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The Dude: Did you ever hear of "The Seattle Seven"?
Maude Lebowski: Mmm.
The Dude: That was me... and six other guys.
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Walter Sobchak: He lives in North Hollywood on Radford, near the In-and-Out
Burger...
The Dude: The In-and-Out Burger is on Camrose.
Walter Sobchak: Near the In-and-Out Burger...
Donny: Those are good burgers, Walter.
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.
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The Stranger: There's just one thing, Dude.
The Dude: And what's that?
The Stranger: Do you have to use so many cuss words?
The Dude: What the fuck you talking about?
The Stranger: Okay, Dude. Have it your way.
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The Big Lebowski: Isn't that what makes a man?
The Dude: Mmm, sure. That and a pair of testicles.
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Bunny Lebowski: I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.
Brandt: Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We're all, we're all very fond of her.
Very free-spirited.
Bunny Lebowski: Brandt can't watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred.
Brandt: Ah haha. That's marvelous.
The Dude: Uh, I'm just gonna go find a cash machine.
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Walter Sobchak: OVER THE LINE!
Smokey: Huh?
Walter Sobchak: I'm sorry, Smokey. You were over the line, that's a foul.
Smokey: Bullshit. Mark it 8, Dude.
Walter Sobchak: Uh, excuse me. Mark it zero. Next frame.
Smokey: Bullshit, Walter. Mark it 8, Dude.
Walter Sobchak: Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.
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[while dunking the Dude's head in the toilet]
Blond Treehorn Thug: Where's the money, Lebowski? Where's the fucking money,
shithead?
The Dude: It's uh... uh... it's down there somewhere, let me take another look.
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The Dude: Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski". You're
Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh,
His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity
thing.
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Nihilist: We believe in nothing, Lebowski. Nothing. And tomorrow we come back
and we cut off your chonson.
The Dude: Excuse me?
Nihilist: I said
[shouting]
Nihilist: "We'll cut off your johnson"!
Nihilist: Just you think about that, Lebowski.
Nihilist: Yeah, your wiggly penis, Lebowski.
Nihilist: Yeah and maybe we stomp on it and squoosh it, Lebowski.
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[being shown a picture Bunny's old farm home]
The Dude: Oh boy. How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen Karl
Hungus.
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Younger Cop: And was there anything of value in the car?
The Dude: Oh, uh, yeah, uh... a tape deck, some Creedence tapes, and there was
a, uh... uh, my briefcase.
Younger Cop: [expectant pause] In the briefcase?
The Dude: Uh, uh, papers, um, just papers, uh, you know, uh, my papers, business
papers.
Younger Cop: And what do you do, sir?
The Dude: I'm unemployed.
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Malibu Police Chief: Keep your ugly fuckin' goldbrickin' ass out of my beach
community.
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Walter Sobchak: Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He
was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the
beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to...
Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his
time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering
young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives.
And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos,
in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we
commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you
loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.
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Jackie Treehorn: People forget the brain is the biggest sex
organ.
The Dude: On you maybe.
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The Stranger: Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, well, he eats you.
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Jackie Treehorn: Refill?
The Dude: Does the Pope shit in the woods?